Well, here I go again.  It's been awhile.  A looooong while.  I find myself needing an outlet so here I am.  I don't know which old old posts are still around or if the links in them work, but let's just start fresh from here on out yeah?  

I'm gonna keep it simple today.  I am chilling out alone in my room longing for my person with no one but the Avett Brothers to keep me company.  They do it well though.  They've been hanging with me for at least a week or two now.  I find their poigniancy comforting.  

I Wish I Was ~ Avett Brothers

I am stuck in a difficult place.  No.  Not stuck.  I am here, and I have made choices to be where I'm at.  It is which direction to go from here on out that is proving difficult.  I don't know whether to just completely back away and let go, really let go of any expectations or hopes, or to try to continue to be present and patient and loving and supportive even though it kills me sometimes.  When put that way I suppose the choice should be an easy one hmm?  Honestly I think I could come to a point without expections - I'm close but I mean thoroughly without the need for a certain outcome - but it's the hope that I get stuck on.  How do I know when hope and faith in what I feel/know just becomes clinging stubbornly onto the dreams and hopes I had for my future?  My soft heart begs me to not let go but it also cries for me to let it go and let it be whatever it will.   Can I give up all of my hope and still hold on to my tender self?  Needs must.

Alternately, I am dealing with a stomach infection...again...

Last time it got into me my emotions were a little more raw and exposed than usual...unflitered? Perhaps that's what's going on right now...

When I can get rid of this nonsense again maybe I will be magically indifferent again and float through my days like a mechanical thing going through the motions and even finding joy in tiny things as I am prone to do, but all the while trying to ignore the persistant empty I keep behind my filter.  Whatever it is, I can do this.  Needs must.

I wish I didn't have to always be the strong responsible one.  Oh what it would be like to have the stability to just let go and be vilnerable and without fear again.